Ask for permission before you speak
I want to share a principle that changed my life and can change yours.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood, from Stephen Covey.
(Note: I have read his book more than 10 times. If you want to dive deeper, you can start here).
Our first reflex is to start with our story, problem, need…
What if we started by listening and understanding their view? Imagine how much more successful you will be in your influence, communication, sales… by doing this shift more often. This practice improves your professional and personal life.
Here are 5 steps to master this communication principle today:
1/ The Mutual Education
The Concept: We become more educated together. They contribute by explaining their view. We participate by asking follow-up questions and mirroring.
The Actionable Tool: The Mirror Technique. Pause your own argument. Ask a follow-up question. Repeat the last three words they said to encourage them to share more details.
Coaching Question: How can I use silence and mirroring to uncover the real problem my colleague is facing?
2/ The Alignment Check
The Concept: We need to be sure we understood. We achieve this by repeating what is at stake.
The Actionable Tool: The Summary Step. Summarize their position out loud. Ask them to confirm your summary is accurate.
Coaching Question: What details am I missing when I assume I fully understand someone’s motivation?
3/ The Vulnerable Agreement
The Concept: By understanding, we might agree. Be vulnerable and say it openly. Say: “I came to the conversation with another point, by listening to you, I changed my mind and agree with you.”
The Actionable Tool: The Mind Change. Acknowledge their logic publicly. Give them full credit for shifting your perspective.
Coaching Question: Where in my calendar can I openly admit that someone else has a better idea?
4/ The Permission to Speak
The Concept: If we still partially or totally disagree, we ask if we can give our point of view.
The Actionable Tool: The Consent Ask. State clearly that you see the situation differently. Ask: “Would you be open to hearing my perspective on this?” Wait for their explicit consent before talking.
Coaching Question: How would my team’s defensiveness drop if I asked for permission before sharing my counter-arguments?
5/ The Third Option
The Concept: Together we search for a better option based on our two points of view.
The Actionable Tool: The Shared Build. Put both perspectives on a whiteboard. Ask the room to find a completely new path that addresses the core needs of both sides.
Coaching Question: What new possibilities emerge when we combine our conflicting views into a single shared goal?
The Bottom Line
Seek first to understand. Then seek to be understood.
Let’s do it together. True leadership is about spiraling upward, getting a little bit better every single day. We can build that momentum together to create the best version of your career and your life. Let’s have a 15-minute talk to define your next step.
Thank you.
Dror. (Say hello on Linkedin)
PS: Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help you accelerate your career through coaching:
For Aspiring Senior Leaders/C-Suite:
- Accelerate Your Path to Leadership: I help you create your big picture and build a plan to accelerate your path. Let’s schedule a 15-minute call to explore if we can work together.
For Current Senior Leaders/C-Suite:
- Elevate Your Leadership Impact: You know even small refinements at your level can drive significant organizational results and career acceleration. I accompany you on your project and guarantee the result. Schedule a focused 15-minute discussion.
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