The Courage to Be Disliked: 4 Keys to Choosing Happiness and Finding Freedom
In the book The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake take a radical view of happiness. Ichiro Kishimi is an expert in Adlerian psychology. He takes the ideas of the famous psychologist Alfred Adler and offers them to us in a simplified version.
The theory of the book: Being happy or unhappy is a choice.
And the key to happiness lies in two beliefs we can all adopt.
What do unhappy people choose?
Unintentional goal: To gain the validation of others
This is often a goal that is not chosen, but endured.
Their actions are guided by “if I do this, they’ll love me.”
And they seek their potential happiness in the eyes of others.
The problem with seeking the validity of others as a source of happiness?
It’s an impossible mission.
You can’t please everyone.
When you please someone, you often displease someone else.
And even when you finally succeed, your happiness is conditional on the other person’s thoughts. So it’s not sustainable in the long run.
We build our lives on the wishes of others.
How many doctors, architects and lawyers are frustrated because they would have liked to follow their own path instead of that of their parents?
We perceive the quality of the relationship as a sacrifice.
For them to love me, I have to do that. I don’t want to disappoint them.
The success of others overshadows us.
When my boss congratulates my colleague, I think it overshadows me.
Why?
Because I see my boss’s attention, which is my happy energy, directed at someone else.
When it’s the other guy who drinks it, there’s less left for me.
If the other person doesn’t recognize me, it’s because I’m incompetent.
We associate our competence with the recognition of others.
If they don’t see me, I lose value.
Social networks trap us in the “like” and “view” system.
Even when you know the ins and outs.
I’m an adult who understands psychology (a little) and I still manage to get tricked by the “likes” or “non-likes” I get on my LinkedIn messages. Imagine what this can do for our children.
The four things happy people choose that make all the difference
Intentional goal: to be useful.
1) They choose to pursue the intentional goal of helping others without expecting anything in return.
2) Intrinsic happiness: They find happiness in the activity itself.
This notion resonated with me. As a coach, you help people find their way. To regain their independence of thought. An element that the authors support as an essential component of happiness in their second book “The Courage to Be Happy”.
And at the same time, you learn not to be attached to your suggestions. The coachee can take them or leave them.
Maybe that’s what gives me so much satisfaction and meaning in my new career as a coach.
To be useful, the authors remind us that we can do many things, but the mere fact of existing is already in itself useful to the people around us.
3) Live in the present, while pursuing a goal in the future.
They strive to appreciate the journey towards their goals.
The present moment brings them happiness.
4) Set boundaries in their relationships.
Adler believes in personal responsibility.
With others, this translates into.
Don’t make a decision for others.
Don’t let anyone, including your loved ones, make a decision for you.
In Mark Manson’s famous book, the “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”.
The author suggests that we abandon the belief that problems must be solved by the people who create them. And replace it with “problems must be solved by those who are affected by the problem.” Another way to empower ourselves.
Conclusion.
A book that puts us face to face with our responsibilities.
That pushes us to explore our hidden goal, “the validation of others,” and replace it with an intentional goal, “to be useful to others.”
Despite the authors’ direct message, they recognize that it’s a job that can take time.
So we might as well start now with these 3 questions:
Choose a negative emotion/situation that is causing you problems
- How is it related to seeking validation from others?
- Imagine that you have succeeded in abandoning this quest for validation from others. What do you feel, see, hear?
- What’s the first thing you can do to free yourself from their approval?
See you soon.
Dror
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