The Bad Child: How can self-reflection benefit you?

My son (10 years old) started to love “Tones and I” recently. She has a song called «Bad child».

I tried to listen carefully. With my poor English 😀, I understood that she was always considered the bad child in her family.

“My family always said I was the bad child
Throwin’ me away into the bad pile
All my life been puttin’ on a fake smile
Sittin’ on my own, feel like I’m exiled
Feelin’ like I always do the wrong things
Tellin’ all their friends that I’m the bad kid
Now I’m on my own, I lost my magic
Dealin’ with your bullshit now I’m over it”

Tones and I

It reminds me of Mr. Covey’s sentence in one of his books that has changed me profoundly. I could not find it precisely anymore, but it goes like this:

«A man’s values can be measured by the relationship with his most difficult child.»

I don’t believe in “the Bad Child”.
As parents, we sometimes tend to blame or compare our children.

“With my second one, it’s much easier. “
“The young one never does that…”

It’s true; with some of our children, it’s sometimes more complicated.
It’s normal. Aren’t we all different?
And those differences are our uniqueness.

Nurture your uniqueness well and it could become your talent.

How can self-reflection benefit you?

I didn’t know “Tones and I” before, but a quick search on Google shows that as of October 2020, the video of her title “Dance Monkey” has had more than 1.3 billion views on YouTube.
Worth cultivating your difference.😀

The real question here is how we react to a more complicated situation with our child. How do we handle it?

The most difficult child in a family is a gift for us as parents to grow and develop.

Succeeding to react well, keeping our calm, helping, and loving without conditions in front of what we perceive as « provocation” or “unfair behavior” is developing our character.
It’s far from being easy. But what is easy does not make us grow.

Parenting is one of the most difficult challenges we face as humans.
Here how I use Self-reflection to help me managing complex situations.

Self-reflecting.

“Reflection… Looking back so the view looking forward is clearer.” – Unknown

Whatever we do. There will be difficult situations.
Thinking and reviewing instead of ignoring them help us to progress.
Three tools I use:

Journaling.
Journaling is a great tool to reflect on past events without emotion.

“We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on experience.” – John Dewey

• “I got too carried away with my children.”
• “I shouted too loud.”
• What led me to this situation?
• What was I doing before? What stressed me?
• What ambiance did I create in the family by acting so?
• Was is it right? Or did I use my position as the parent too strongly?
• How could I react differently?
• How would I like to react?

Recognizing my mistakes.

“Dwell not on the faults and shortcomings of others; instead, seek clarity about your own.” – Buddha

Apologizing to my children when I have had a bad reaction.
My self-reflection clarified my ideas. I see the situation more richly.
If I made a mistake, acknowledging it and apologizing to my children is helpful.
It builds trust in the family. It’s not because I’m the parent that I’m always right.
I make mistakes, and it’s ok. But I’m courageous enough to recognize and apologize for them.

Visualization.

“To bring anything into your life, imagine that it’s already there.” Richard Bach

Visualizing myself, acting as I would like, with calm and fairness, in front of tricky situations.

Often, I understand the problem. I know how I should react.
But under the emotion, the urgency, I may not react as I want.
That’s why I love to use the power of visualization.

I learned it first in sports. As a karate fighter, I was visualizing my opponent’s move and how I wanted to react. These techniques work in our daily lives.

Visualize a situation that tends to recur. Review mentally how you want to react. You’ll be better prepared when the situation comes again.

I train in my morning routine during my breathing exercises. I work on a specific situation I want to improve at home or at work.

All these tools, learned in different contexts, help me improve myself, and better manage complex situations.

Life is always throwing on us complex situations. Working on our self-reflection enhances our thinking process.
Let’s embrace the challenges and grow through them.