We talk to a friend
“Did you see what he did again?”
It tends to comfort us.
“It’s unbelievable. It’s really not fair”.
But the situation hasn’t changed.
We ruminate in our heads
“How could he write that in an e-mail? It’s a personal attack.
Our little voice gives us plenty of arguments.
- “He’s mad at me”.
- “I’m out of options”.
- “What will people think ?”.
But the situation hasn’t changed.
In fact, it’s getting worse.
Deep down, we know what we have to do
We have to talk to the person.
When things get (too) unbearable.
We’re finally ready to jump…
But how?
3 steps to successful feedback
If we agree with Tim Ferriss’s tweet, why wait until it becomes unbearable?
The more I do it, the less difficult it is and the more we progress.
“The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership.
-Harvey S. Firestone
What helps me do it more often is the reflection and a system.
Here’s a 3-step method for delivering successful feedback
Don’t go when you’re feeling emotional.
The closer the feedback is to the situation, the better. But it only works if you can get your message across calmly. So, if necessary, let your emotions settle.
Straight to the point…
- “How are the kids?”
- “Don’t remind me. The little one had a fever of 40 over the weekend…”
It’s hard to follow up on your feedback… For this type of exchange. Choose the direct approach.
I have something I want to talk about. Do you have a few minutes?
Successful feedback: the 3-step method
Developed by Thomas Gordon and explained in Monica Jonsson’s excellent book “The complete Corporate Coaching Toolkit”.
When you (factual), I have the impression that (feeling), and it creates (describe the effect)
- Separate the person from the problem.
- Communicate my feelings.
- Describe the effect.
Successful office feedback
“When you write such a virulent email about the 3M project without talking to me first, I feel attacked, it creates a flood of questions that slow down the project. And in the end, it impacts the performance of our whole team.”
Successful feedback works at home too
“When you talk badly to your sister, it irritates me, and it generates tension and arguments in the family.”
A step I like to add…
“How could you do it any other way?”
It’s also suitable for positive feedback
“Great presentation” is better than nothing but doesn’t do much for the recipient.
By using the 3-step method, you become more precise. The person understands why, and this helps them persevere in their new behavior.
“When you took time to listen to the audience, ask questions, make sure you understood before answering. I observed calmness and confidence from the management on this subject, which usually creates so much tension. And what’s more, you got a “go” for the next step.
Well done. It was an excellent presentation.”
Conclusion
Giving feedback takes courage.
As usually happens with this type of activity, it’s hard to get started, and then we’re happy we did.
The three-part message structure helps.
The more we do, the more we develop ourselves and the people around us.
What difficult discussion could you schedule today?
Related articles.
- The trap of our strengths. And how to use them to develop our careers in 4 steps.
- Successful behavior change in 4 steps (and less than 2 minutes a day)
- How to involve others and boost our progress (and our careers)
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