I recently added a reflection question in the morning.
“What would I do differently if I could relive yesterday?” ( a question I learned in Hero On A Mission)
And invariably, moments come up where I could have avoided unnecessary discussions.
Often, it’s three little words that cause it.
“No” “But” “¨However.”
Marshall Goldsmith, a behavior change expert, explains this in his book. What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.
“When you start a sentence with ‘no,’ ‘but,’ ‘however,’ or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly your tone or how many cute mollifying phrases you throw in to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, the message to the other person is You are wrong.
It’s not, ‘I have a different opinion.’ It’s not, ‘Perhaps you are misinformed.’ It’s not, ‘I disagree with you.’ It’s bluntly and unequivocally, ‘What you’re saying is wrong, and what I’m saying is right.’
Nothing productive can happen after that. The general response from the other person (unless he or she is a saint willing to turn the other cheek) is to dispute your position and fight back. From there, the conversation dissolves into a pointless war. You’re no longer communicating. You’re both trying to win.”
Our need to be right
Our need to be right even for the most trivial things generates a lot of useless discussions.
Marshall suggests replacing those words(“No, but, however) with “Thank you.”
It doesn’t mean you agree. You just thank the person for the suggestion. It gives you time to think, throw it away, or keep it.
How can I improve?
I will measure myself with the active questions (read more here and download the tool) and try to do better. ( warning, It’s easier to talk about it than to do it 😀)
Why?
Because “thank you” makes people around me happier and limits useless discussions.
Give it a try.
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